A little bit of bad, and a whole lot of wonderful!

We have had a little bit of bad, and a whole lot of good in our lives this past few days!
Cole's favorite parts of the hospital visits are the toys! He got to drive this hummer jeep around the morning while waiting for his surgery.

Cole's surgery went fantastic! He is such a little fighter! When they got in there, they found much more extensive damage then they ever realized. The doctor said he must have had a lot of pain with it. We never even knew! The surgery was a success, and Cole is doing so well now. We got to come home Sunday night. This was great, because we had originally been told to plan on a week. We were only there 3 days! It was big blessing. Cole hates IV's and of course being in the hospital is miserable. He is now just cuddling in mommy's bed all day for the next week. Hopefully we can keep him there. He is supposed to stay still and have lots of bedrest.
A couple of hours after Cole got out of surgery, Crystal (the new baby's birth mom) texted me that her water broke and she was in the hospital, and could I please come quickly. I got there about 11:00 Friday night. I had actually just gone to sleep at 10:00 and got her calls at 10:30. I had been up since 5am, so I was really tired. I went from CHOC hospital to the UCI hospital which was only 5 minutes away. (Yeahhh!!! Little blessings make life so much easier!) I stayed with Crystal all night. No extra bed or sleeper chair, so I sat up and helped her with her contractions all night. Her family and friends were all out partying, and said to call when she was really close so that they could be there for it. Crystal called them at 1:00am to check in and they said that Katelynn (Crystal's 3 year old) was still up watching tv.

Anyway, the good part of the story is that I was able to be with Crystal all night and all morning with just the two of us throughout the delivery. I got to hold her hand and help her breathe, and push... and do it all. It was just the two of us and the doctors and nurses. Crystal had made it clear to all the doctors and nurses that I was the mother of the baby and that she was definitely planning on giving the baby up for adoption. The hospital staff was (and continues to be... ) amazingly supportive of us. A couple have gone as far as to take me aside and tell me that they really, really want me to get the baby.

We had an amazing experience through the birth of this baby. It was beautiful, sweet, and so pure. What a great moment to remember! When the baby had come, Crystal told me to go over and be with the baby. It was so beautiful.
Then, while Crystal was pushing the afterbirth, and I was with the baby, Crystal's "brother/friend???," Jeremy, came running in really upset that he had missed it. He wanted to know "Why didn't you wait for me." Like we could wait. (He was supposed to be there the whole time and she had wanted him to cut the cord. Which... I got to cut!!!) Then there was a bit of a scene... It was horrible. He was very upset that I was there. He is adamantly refusing to let Crystal give up the baby for adoption. He is just her friend, not the birth father or her husband. But Crystal has been on her own since she was 13. She just craves love and protection and attention. Jeremy gives her attention.

Jeremy has now talked Crystal into keeping the baby. Crystal says it is just for a while. (weeks/months) He is very explosive and no one wants to upset him by telling him she is not going to keep it.

Crystal told the nurses to give the second wristband to Jeremy and called him the daddy. She had already said that he wasn't the birth father, but I think in her mind, she needed a male figure to be there for her. Her father is not there for her, and she has never had a healthy relationship. It is just sad... And the nurses were all so sad about Crystal giving the wrist band to Jeremy. They explained to her that only people with this wrist band could have any "rights" to this baby while in the hospital. Only they could go in the nursery and hold her. They strongly hinted that "maybe Charise should have this so that she can help with the baby..." but Jeremy won. It was such a yucky feeling.

By noon, I had been up for about 31 hours with only about 2 hours total of quick 30 minute naps. I was too tired to think straight. I went back to Cole's hospital and after cuddling him for a couple of hours, I went and slept from 3:00 to 6:00. It was HEAVEN! Sleep felt so good.

Right now, let me say that my all-time favorite charity is the Ronald McDonald House. This is where we stayed when we got Cole in Pasadena, and then I have stayed there a few times while with Cole at CHOC of Orange. It is such a blessing! Up on the 6th floor of CHOC Orange they have a Ronald McDonald wing. There is a nice lounge, a fully equipped kitchen, and four sleeper rooms. They are HEAVEN! I was able to sleep there (always free of charge) and it was so great.

Then Bill and I went back to UCI where Crystal told us that we were definitely taking home the baby. Absolutely! She was ours.
Then the next day she decided that it was too hard to tell her mom and Jeremy and his mom that she was not going to keep the baby. So we think she is going to keep it for a while and then call me. We are supposed to find out for certain tomorrow.
It is most likely that we will get Savannah in the next month or two... but somehow I think that makes it even worse. Crystal is still saying that she wants us to take the baby, just that she is not certain when. This makes me miserable and sick. When I think of where this baby will live and what she will go through... It is horrible.

I understand Heavenly Father's plan and I totally get that we are here are on Earth to be tested... but sometimes just knowing that does not make it easier. I am going to be fine, but I am not fine yet.
This sweet little girl, wherever she ends up... is precious. She is pink and perfect and it was a dream come true to be able to be there when she came to this earth to live.

So right now I am having a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day!! (Well, three days in a row.) I am doing ok, but then I am also definitely not ok. I kind of can't breathe, and I am crying a lot. But then I snuggle my sweet little Cole and he kisses my neck and I laugh and giggle with him and it seems like life is going to be just fine. But then I can't breathe and I start to cry again. I just need some time to process it all.

In Bill's and my life, I feel like I always have to be open to whatever child may come along. I never want to have the doubt or regret, or have to think, "If only I would have said yes that one time... " So that is why we have this roller coaster of emotions. I am very thankful for a social worker from LDS Famiy Services who is wonderful to listen and be there for me when I am loosing it! She listens and says the perfect things.

Another thing I am so grateful for are dear, dear friends. One example... Karen Hill called and asked if I needed anything. She was going to the store to get some milk for us because she had forgotten milk when she brought us 8 bags of groceries to the hospital. (I Love Her!) I told her that we actually had enough milk and we were ok. So she said that she was going to the store and going to get us something. Did I want to tell her what I needed or should she just get us something? I laughed and told her chocolate or strawberry ice cream would be great, because Cole is on a soft foods diet. Here is what she delivered an hour later.